


Goodbyes

by orphan_account



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Based off of The Goodbye Song, Crying, Cuddling, First Kiss, From Joe and George’s Two Player Game album, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I just really loved the song and needed to write this, It’s 1 A.M. I’m sorry, Letters, Leukaemia, M/M, Poetry, Songfic, Spooning, everything is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:15:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14884850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: And althoughI’ll be out of sight, dearKnow I’ll be right hereRight here forever, ever, ever, ever





	Goodbyes

**Author's Note:**

> Why hello there. So I’m in a crappy mood, listened to sad music to feel sadder, ranted about said song on instagram (and got a comment from George Salazar !!!) then proceeded to write this. It’s kind of just...ugh. I hope it’s still ok. 
> 
> Enjoy as much as you can. (Also there’s an awkward POV change towards the end?? I needed that for the plot so...forgive me, any Grammar God/Goddess that exists. It was for the plot.)

/The time has come  
I'm flying away  
Mouth is numb  
Heart don't know what to say/

 

When Michael had first gotten sick, he hadn’t realised how out of hand it would get, and how fast it would worsen. Yet here he sat, in a hospital bed next to his best friend, trying to smile but finding it harder and harder as the days went by. 

“I know your requested pudding, but the nurses insisted you refrain from eating anything but liquid stuff.” Jeremy smiled warily at Michael, obviously adding fake enthusiasm to try and lighten the already brittle mood. Michael managed a weak, “Traitors.” He took the jello anyways, having Jeremy open it after trying countless times to open it himself. It simply made him frustrated. His stupidly frail body couldn’t do anything anymore. 

Jeremy handed the cup back to him, but when Michael scooped out a spoonful, he found he wasn’t hungry anymore. He swallowed and set the plastic cup on his bedside table. 

Jeremy watched with sad, tired eyes. 

Jeremy, whom hadn’t left his side in a week. Jeremy, whom looked like he was dying instead of Michael. Jeremy, whom Michael had so much to say to and so little time to do so. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. 

“I can feel it.” Michael said finally, glancing down at his lap, where his bony hands were clasped together. Jeremy closed his eyes, expression pained, like he was trying not to break down. “It’s close.” 

 

/And although,  
I'll be out of sight, dear.  
Know I'll be right here.  
Right here forever, ever, ever, ever/

 

“Why is life so unfair?” Jeremy asked, voice small and strained. Michael took a deep breath before answering, a wave of dizziness hitting him out of no where. When he could finally focus on Jeremy again, he said, “That’s it job. To make us struggle.” Jeremy didn’t look satisfied with that answer at all. He reached out and took Michael’s hands, gripping them in his own. He wouldn’t meet Michael’s eyes, but he was staring at the latter’s hands like they were his lifeline. 

“Why do I have to lose you?” Jeremy whispered. A tear or two slipped down his pale face. Michael felt his heart wrench in his chest, breath catching in his throat. ‘That’s a great question,’ He thought bitterly. “I’ll do you one better,” Michael weakly attempted to joke. “Why do I have to lose my gay? I can’t be gay if I’m dead.” Jeremy laughed, but it came out as more of a warbled choke. 

 

/And when you look to the night skies.  
Don't think of goodbyes  
Think how I'm  
Right here, ever, ever, ever/

 

“I just can’t stop thinking,” Jeremy confessed, fiddling with Michael’s fingers. Michael watched Jeremy with wide eyes, listening with every cell in his body. (‘Especially with the ones that aren’t working. Thanks, blood cells, for not doing your job,’ Michael thought.) “What if I leave the room to go get you something and...and when I come back...when I come back, you’re...” Jeremy didn’t say it out loud. He hadn’t said ‘death’ ‘dead’ or ‘die’ in the months and months that Michael has been sick. Michael, knowing Jeremy like the back of his weakening hand, knew that it was because Jeremy thought that if he never said it, it wouldn’t happen. 

Michael wish he could make that true. 

“Jer, you don’t have to worry about that. I told you I could feel it. You’ll be around.” He gave Jeremy’s hand a weak squeeze. “You always have been.” Michael smiled at Jeremy, even though his friend was still avoiding eye contact. Jeremy tried for a smile, but only one corner of his mouth rose, and more tears dropped down his freckled cheeks. 

 

/Thank you for teaching me lessons  
Thank you for listening to mine  
Man, you know how to ride a bike now  
Don't be scared you'll be fine/

 

“I want to...to thank you. Before.” Michael nearly whispered the words, the atmosphere so delicate that Michael was sure he could breathe too hard and it would shatter. Jeremy sniffed, rubbing Michael’s thumb soothingly. “For what? For abandoning you? For—for stupid popularity?” Michael exhaled, finding the strength to pull his hands from Jeremy’s grasp so he could turn his friends face towards his. Blue orbs met brown ones, wide and teary. 

“Listen to me. You need to stop blaming yourself. Stop thinking you’re worthless. Stop beating yourself up. Just stop. So you made a huge mistake. And I forgave you.” Michael said the words firmly, though his voice was raspy and weak. Jeremy seemed to be holding his breath. 

Michael’s thumb brushed over Jeremy’s cheekbone lightly, and almost choked when Jeremy leaned into the touch. “I want to thank you for being you. For being my best friend. For...staying up until 3 A.M. to play video games. For walking with me to 7-Eleven at midnight. For helping me through panic attacks. For staying here in this hospital without getting up for weeks. Thank you. So much.” Michael felt his own eyes watering as he spoke, and Jeremy blinked rapidly, probably trying to stop more tears from slipping out. Spoilers: they did anyway. 

 

/And although I'll be out of sight, dear.  
Know I'll be right here  
Right here forever, ever, ever, ever/

 

Jeremy brought their foreheads together, a hand on the back of Michael’s neck, keeping his eyes closed. Michael kept his own wide open, watching as tear after tear trailed down Jeremy’s cheeks, leaving tracks. Michael couldn’t think of any words to say. What could he say to this? They were going to lose each other. It wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair anymore. 

“I’m gonna miss you so much.” Jeremy said, more tears coming from his eyes, rapidly beading on his chin. “God, I don’t know what I’m gonna do.” Michael brought his own hands up and cupped Jeremy’s cheeks. 

 

/And when you look to the night skies  
Don't think of goodbyes  
Think how I'm  
Right here, ever, ever, ever/

 

“Don’t think about that right now.” Michael whispered, finally slamming his eyes shut. Tears were oozing from his eyes now too, hot on his cheeks. “We still—we still have time.” Michael was finding it harder and harder to form words. It felt like he was climbing up a steep mountain. This was last climb he’d ever make, and it was agonising. He could feel something in his chest. It was like he could feel his life slipping away into nothingness. He could feel how his breaths were becoming shallower and shallower. 

And then Jeremy closed the small distance between their lips and brought them together. Michael’s breath stopped completely. Time seemed to slow to a stop. And for a moment, he felt alive. So much more alive than he’d felt in months. He felt like he could climb out of his bed and race up the rest of the mountain. He felt like maybe he could do this; maybe he could hold out. 

But then Jeremy pulled away, sobs finally overtaking him. 

 

/Come!  
No, you can’t come with me/

 

Michael threaded his hands through Jeremy’s hair as Jeremy cried into his lap. He was babbling incoherently, but Michael couldn’t make out much. There were a few words he could understand though. “I’ll...come...with...” Michael bit his lip to keep from crying anymore. “You can’t come with me, Jer. You—you have a life to live. People to live for.” Jeremy sobbed a little harder. “I live for you, Michael.” 

 

/Stay!/

 

“I...” Michael didn’t know what to say. He could barely say anything, anyways. His chest was tight. He could feel something coming. “Listen up, Jeremiah Heere. You’d better keep living after I’ve passed, okay? Do-“ Michael inhaled sharply, a dry sob rocking his body. “Do you heere me?” Jeremy just trembled a little, reaching up to squeeze Michael’s hand tightly. “Then stay. Please stay.” 

 

/I wish I could/

 

Michael wasn’t sure how much more of this he could handle. His mind was hazy. All he could focus on was Jeremy’s shaking body and the wetness of his lap. Everything looked fuzzy, like his glasses had suddenly stopped working. “I wish I could,” Michael whispered. He let the tears flow freely. 

 

/Goodbye  
I know it's hard to say/

 

They cried together, gripping each other and mumbling comforting words every once and a while. At some point, Jeremy just crawled up next to Michael in bed, holding him and crying into his hair. Michael felt warmer than he had in weeks in Jeremy’s arms. 

It hurt to cry. His lungs couldn’t take much of it. He was struggling to breath in and out, and his sobs were making it harder and harder. He glanced up at the clock through blurry eyes. It was 11:46 P.M.

 

/Goodbye  
I know it's hard to say  
Ouch! I know it hurts to say/

 

Michael only stopped crying when he fell asleep. Jeremy had been reduced to whispering into Michael’s ear and stroking his head softly, occasional tears sliding down his cheeks. 

As Michael drifted off, he couldn’t help but think about the kiss. What it had meant. It didn’t exactly matter. It wasn’t like he’d live long enough to have a relationship with Jeremy. Still, he wanted to know what it would have been like if he hadn’t gotten sick. If they had shared that kiss in Michael’s basement. If they’d confessed that they loved each other and started a relationship. If they’d graduated and gone to college together, just like they’d been planning since elementary school. It made Michael feel a little warmer, but it also made his heart ache. 

At least he’d gotten a kiss with Jeremy. 

 

/I'd stay if I could  
But the universe won't let me  
So please be good  
And don't you forget me/

 

The next morning, Jeremy left to get them both breakfast. “You’d better be breathing when I get back.” Jeremy said, wagging his finger. Michael smiled tiredly, mock-saluting. “Yes, sir.” They were better this morning, having finally let out some of the grief that was swirling inside them. 

As Jeremy left, Michael grabbed his notebook from his bedside table. 

Last night had not only been relieving. It had also given him inspiration. There were words swimming around in his head, seemingly stuck in repeat. He wrote them down as quickly and as neatly as he could, wanting Jeremy to be able to read his words when the time came. Once he’d finished, he added a short note directed specifically at Jeremy, and then folded it up and slid it into his hoodie pocket. (Michael had given it to Jeremy as a sort of goodbye gift. Jeremy had accepted it with tears in his eyes.)

 

/And although I'll be out of sight, dear.  
Know, I'll be right here  
Right here forever, ever, ever, ever/

 

The Squip Squad came by to visit that day. Everyone had an aura of sadness around them, but they managed to smile and joke just like always. Michael appreciated that more than anything. 

“Dude, you should see the principle! He keep giving all these speeches about how you were such an amazing student, and everyone keeps calling him out on his shit. I mean, no offence dude, but you didn’t exactly get the best grades.” Rich grinned, nudging Michael slightly. Michael snorted lightly, licking his lips. “Can’t say anything to that. I sucked at everything.” There was a collective laugh. 

Michael had found friends in the least likely bunch in the school. The biggest bullies had become his biggest supporters. He’d never had more support in his life. (He tried not to contradict himself by thinking that of course he’d only get people like this right before he died.)

When everyone filed out to leave, they each have Michael a hug and a few parting words. Michael was glad they treated it like it was the last time they’d ever see him, because he feared it would be. 

 

/And when you look to the night skies  
Don't think of goodbyes  
Think how I'm   
Right here, ever, ever, ever/

 

That night, Jeremy spooned Michael in the darkness of the hospital room. They talked idly about nothing until Michael couldn’t talk anymore. His chest felt like something was pressing on it, harder and harder, squeezing the life out of him. So Jeremy sang to him and held him tightly, sounding calm and collected. 

“It’s...” Michael croaked out, barely able to say anything. His body felt weak and unsteady. He was so tired. Michael just wanted to go to sleep. But he knew. He could feel it in his heart. ‘This will be the last time I fall asleep.’ Jeremy stopped singing, hands tightening around Michael. Michael was sure Jeremy could feel it too. 

“I love you. I always have, Michael. You’re the best person I’ll ever meet.” Jeremy mumbled the words into Michael’s ear softly, voice sounding so, so far away. “Love you,” Michael breathed out. Why did his chest hurt so much? Why couldn’t he speak? He wanted to say so much to Jeremy. He need to tell Jeremy too much. “Love you. Love you. Love...you. Love you. Love...love...lo...” Michael felt his breathing slow. 

The pressure became so much for a moment. It was like a crushing weight had come crashing down atop him. It blinded his senses, causing pain to flare everywhere. And then, suddenly, he felt light. The weight was gone. The pain filled. He could breath easily. Michael felt...at peace. 

Finally. 

 

/And although I'll be out sight, dear  
Know, I'll be right here  
Right here forever, ever, ever, ever/

 

The doctors took Michael’s body away, down the hall and around the corner. Jeremy watched as his best friend was rolled away on a cart like a piece of meat. He felt numb and blank, like someone had removed the emotion from his heart. 

Re-entering the room that he’d lived in for the past month or so, he found he could barely breath. The room still smelled like Michael. He could almost see the silhouette of Michael on the bed. Jeremy walked over to it, running his hand over the sheets. They were still warm. He could still see the shape of two bodies in the mattress. 

Swallowing, Jeremy picked up Michael’s hoodie. It was swung over the back of his chair, right where he left it. Everything felt so quiet. He wished the silence could be broken by Michael’s laugh. He wished anything Michael’s would break the silence. 

The hoodie went over his head and his hands went into the pocket. Jeremy felt something inside. A piece of paper. Slightly dazed, he pulled it out. ‘To Jerbear.’ Jeremy inhaled so sharply that he went lightheaded for a second. 

Taking a seat, he slowly unfolded the paper. Once, twice, three times, four times. 

‘The time has come. I’m flying away. Mouth is numb. Heart don’t know what to say.’ 

It was a poem. Jeremy kept reading, eyes scanning over the words. They were Michael’s words. The words were in Michael’s hand writing. Jeremy felt his heart twist at every loop of Michael’s E’s and every curve of Michael’s S’. 

He was surrounded by everything Michael but no Michael. 

 

/And when you look to the night skies  
Don't think of goodbyes  
Think how I'm   
Right here, ever, ever  
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever/

 

‘I don’t know if you remember, but when we were eleven, you asked me if you could have my Nintendo 360 if I died before you. You can have it, Jer. You can have everything I own. It’s yours. I’m yours. I always have been. Goodbye.’ 

Jeremy felt a tear slip down his cheek, but he managed to smile one last time for Michael. 

For Michael.

**Author's Note:**

> *coughs.* 
> 
> Sorry not sorry. (Mostly just sorry.) 
> 
> (Just kidding, I apologise for nothing.)


End file.
